Recently, Mark and I spoke at a local church in downtown Cape Town on the topic of biblical marriage.  One of the points of our teaching was the biblical model of headship and submission described in the fifth chapter of Ephesians and how it was to be understood within the context of the key verse of the passage which is Ephesians 5:21. We are all familiar with the verses that tell wives to submit to their husbands (5:22 – 24) and which tell husbands that they are to love their wives (5:25 – 29).  However, if Ephesians 5:21 is the key verse that instructs all believers to “submit yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ”, then the instructions to husbands and wives that follow must somehow demonstrate this principle of reciprocal submission.  In other words, it is impossible for Christians to “obey” one another.  However, it absolutely possible for two people to “submit” to one another if that means to “bend in preference” to one another and “put the other person’s needs first” (see also Philippians 2:1 – 7).

At the end of our session, one of the husbands stood and asked both of us to give one practical example of how we “submitted” to each other in our daily lives.  The question made us stop and think because we had never really thought about how this was being played out on a daily basis. Since that time, I have been thinking more about this question and asking myself if Mark and I were actually doing what we were teaching others to do. And if so, what does “mutual submission” look like. Last week I went into the hospital for a hip replacement surgery which gave me an opportunity to see how this principle really was working out in our marriage.

It’s now been a week since my hip replacement surgery and I was shocked to discover how little I was able to do for myself. However, I am improving and getting stronger every day, thanks to an amazing husband who has dropped everything and literally made taking care of me his highest priority and has given his unselfish attention to my every need (which is just about EVERYTHING at the moment!).  It’s at times like these, when the veil of our fallen humanity lifts and the beauty of a biblical marriage comes into view.  Over the years (now in our 44^th year), Mark and I have purposed to build our marriage on a foundation of “mutual submission” (Ephesians 5:21), which is really just another way of saying that we are striving to “agape love” one-another every day of our lives [agape: Greek for God’s kind of unconditional love; expressed through action and not based on feelings or emotions; always putting the other person first and doing what is in their best interest]. Paul makes an even stronger case for “mutual service” within the body of Christ in Galatians 5:13 where he instructs believers (including husbands and wives) that they are to “through love [agape] serve one another” [douleuō: Greek word translated “serve” actually means to be a “slave” to one another.]

In spite of our natural inclination to be very self-centered and our frequent failures to be consistently “other-oriented”, it was during this time of recuperation from surgery that I was able to see a little glimpse into how far we have come in our journey toward “becoming one” (5:31) and patterning our relationship after Christ and His Church (5:32).   I thank the Lord for a husband who takes his role as husband so seriously, that he is willing to die to himself on my behalf as Christ died for His Church, and do whatever it takes to put me first and serve me with a loving smile that tells me he is doing all this because he loves me.  The final verse of this passage (5:33) summarizes the entire passage in such a way that leaves no doubt as to how it was meant to be interpreted—“Nevertheless, let everyone of you [husbands] so love [agape] his wife as he loves himself—and the wife see that she reverence [or, respect: which is substituted for the word “submit”] her husband.”  The respect I have for Mark is not a result of being told I have to “obey” him, but because he has demonstrated a selfless love that makes him my “Mark Angel.”

When I gave my life to Christ over forty-one years ago, I remember my first impression after reading about the excellent wife described in Proverbs 31.  The following paraphrase is my rendition of how that Scripture sounded to me:

An excellent wife, who can find?  She is worth her weight in gold and her husband adores her.  She prepares his favorite meals everyday and is warm and affectionate at all times.  She never has PMS and he can’t remember the last time she had a headache at bedtime.  She owns her own retail business buying fabrics and imported foods and in her spare time, she sells real-estate.  She is very creative and artistic in her home and makes everything by hand.  In addition, she has the reputation for being the best cook in the church.  She sets her alarm at 4:30 AM and makes her menus and grocery lists for the day.  In order to do all this she has to be in tip-top shape.  Therefore, she disciplines herself to do an hour of aerobics and jog two miles every day.  Most nights she lays awake thinking of new ways she can spend her free time and does most of her sewing after everyone else is in bed.  She has many ministries in the church which include the managing of a feeding program for the homeless and visits people in the hospitals and prisons regularly.  She makes all of her family’s clothing from the imported fabrics she purchases and they are the best dressed in the city.  As a graduate of seminary with a degree in Bible and Theology, she has incredible wisdom and insight, thus making her counseling ministry and adult Sunday school teaching ministry in the church very powerful.  She is loving and kind to all and patient and understanding when wronged or hurt.  She is never guilty of gossiping or losing her temper and when asked how she does all this, she says it must be due to her two hours of daily prayer and devotions.  She is constantly attending to her own family and refuses to put her children in day care.  As a result of her extraordinary devotion, her children and husband love her and revere her.  They praise her every day and show gratitude for everything she does for them.  They often surprise her with gifts and cards expressing their appreciation. Every year she wins the “Mother of the Year Award” and is in demand for magazine and television interviews nationwide.  When she walks down the street, everyone recognizes her and her fame has spread throughout the land.

Over forty years later I have a completely different perspective on what this passage means to me.  Rather than seeing this woman as an impossible model of what I am supposed to be and feeling totally inadequate and discouraged, I see it as a beautiful composite of the image of God in His creation of woman.  Genesis 1:26, 27 and 5:1 describe God’s creation of Man (mankind) as being comprised of both “male and female.”  In the same way that the Persons of the Godhead are different, the differences between men and women are to reflect the distinctions between the Persons of the Trinity.

God had a specific purpose in mind when He designed the woman.  She was to be very different from the man, but essential to the total expression of God’s image in mankind. This beautiful proverb describes the incredibly multifaceted attributes of beauty, strength, courage, gentleness, compassion, wisdom, resourcefulness, ingenuity, creativity and virtue of the feminine characteristics of the image of God in its purest earthy expression. This Proverbs woman isn’t just a woman, she is woman.

Today when I read this proverb I am encouraged to continue pressing on by faith trusting God to fulfill His purpose in my life.  Paul said, “I press toward the mark for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:14). And even though my resume will never read like the woman in Proverbs 31, I firmly believe that since God is the One doing a good work in me, I will trust Him to bring it to completion. “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6 ). As I allow Him to do the shaping and molding, and at times even breaking, I am confident that He has a good plan that is ultimately going to make me into the woman He wants me to be.

Down through the years, I have heard many women from different African and Western cultures alike, share a similar problem in approaching their husbands about matters that are of great importance to them.  In frustration they lament that whenever they confront their husbands about issues, they either don’t listen to them or they react in a negative way.  The end result, they say, is always the same—the wife gets more frustrated and the husband either gets angry or zones out and nothing changes.  The Esther Principle is a method of approaching communication that has the power to help solve this problem.

First of all ladies, we need to realize that we often unknowingly contribute to the problem.  This is due in part to the lack of understanding of some of the key differences between men and women.  Understanding some of these differences can make a big difference in how we communicate with our husbands.

When God created Adam and Eve, He commanded both of them to “rule the earth and subdue  it” (Gen 1:28). Then He equipped them both with unique power to accomplish His mandate. When Adam was created, he was hardwired for leadership, which is where his power resides. When He formed Eve, God wove into her design the power of influence.  When a husband and wife each exercise their unique power in a loving and godly manner, communication happens and their marriage will be a testimonial of God’s work and presence.

The world today is trying to convince everyone that there is absolutely no difference between the genders.  However, science and biology disagree with that premise. In their book, His Brain, Her Brain, Dr. Walt and Barb Larimore wrote that science clearly shows that the male and female have two distinctly different brains:

• One is built for plans and pacts—the other for nurturing and networking.
• One emphasizes competition—the other compassion and caring.
• One is spatially and results oriented—the other conversation and cooperation centered.
• One gravitates toward projects—the other toward people.

Keeping these differences in mind, we generally observe that women excel in forming and nurturing relationships more so than men. The key to their effectiveness lies in the ability to use their power of influence in a godly way. What is influence? Influence is the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others (Internet: Dictionary.com).

From Eve up until the present day, women have exercised their power of influence whether by intention or by default—whether for good or for ill—for the good of self or others. For example, Eve used her power of influence and look where we are today as a result (Gen. 3:6). Jezebel is another example of how a woman used her power to influence her husband to do evil things which ultimately destroyed Israel (1 Kings 21). Ruth, Deborah, and Sarah, are just a few of the positive examples of how women used their power of influence to change history for God’s divine purposes.

One shining example of a woman using her power of influence for good is Esther, when she used it to turn the tables on an evil plot against her people. According to the Scripture, Esther went from being a peasant Jewish girl who was sold into slavery in a pagan land to becoming the queen of Persia. Not only was she a beautiful woman in appearance, but her inner beauty undoubtedly made her stand out among all the other beautiful maidens competing for the title.

Even in a cultural setting where women were only considered slightly higher in rank than slaves and had no voice and no rights, Esther used her power of influence to turn a catastrophe into a miracle. When the king himself did not even have the power or authority to reverse his own edict, Esther used her power of influence to save the Jews from being slaughtered.

What was her secret? The first thing Esther did was approach God through prayer and fasting and ask Him for wisdom and direction as to what she should do. She humbled herself before God and then waited for His answer. God revealed a plan that involved three important principles—Timing, Manner, and Setting.

The Principle of Timing: Esther did not immediately confront her husband with her concerns or demands. Instead, she waited until the proper time to enter his chamber. Then she planned every step carefully and the entire process took several days to unfold. As a direct result of her timing, Haman was hung on his own gallows which he had prepared for her uncle Mordecai. If she had rushed to take care of the matter too quickly, she would have short-circuited what God was doing behind the scenes to turn the tables on Haman. Esther was patient and waited for God’s green light.

The Principle of Manner: Esther was reverent and respectful in approaching her husband. When she came before the king, she bowed in humility and followed the protocol for entering the king’s chamber. She was keenly aware that for any man or woman who comes to the king to the inner court who is not summoned, there was but one law, that he be put to death; unless the king held out to him the golden scepter so that he may live. Esther had not been summoned to come to the king for thirty days. However, she made the decision to follow through and willingly put her life at risk and said, “…if I perish, I perish” (Esther 4:16).

The Principle of Setting: Esther understood the importance of creating the right setting if she was going to be successful in exposing the evil plot of Haman. The Lord directed her to invite the king and Haman to a series of special meals while He was busy behind the scenes building a case against Haman. Esther ingeniously created a setting that opened the king’s heart to her so she could expose Haman’s evil intentions. Esther never resorted to manipulation, which is an evil use of this power of influence. As a result, God was able to rescue His people from total annihilation.

In conclusion I want to encourage women to think about how they use their power of influence on a daily basis and, especially when approaching their husbands on important matters. We should always pray first and ask God to teach us how to use our influence for His glory and for the good of others. By learning how to use Esther’s Principles of Timing, Manner and Setting, women regardless of their cultural setting can communicate with their husbands in a way that will encourage a more positive response from them. God gave women this powerful gift of influence for a good purpose and He will honor any woman who uses it for His glory.

Jesus likened our Christian walk to building a house. In this article we will use the analogy of building a house to contrast two secular views of marriage with the biblical view. We will compare the characteristics and values of the Traditional African Secular Model and the Modern Western Secular Model with the Biblical Model of marriage.

Regardless of cultural background, everyone who attempts to build their marriage on a foundation other than what God has established, Jesus said is comparable to being a foolish man who built his house on the sand (Matt. 7:26).

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash (Mat. 7:24 – 27 NIV).

 MARRIAGE AND CULTURE

Marriage was established by God as a covenant relationship between Himself, a man and a woman.  Though it was established by God, marriage must be lived out in a cultural context.  The idea of marriage originates from God and He therefore has established specific principles on how it should be built.  The Bible provides the framework and establishes principles that can be applied to any culture.

 PREPARING TO BUILD

When someone decides to build a house, important decisions need to be made. First, an architect will be chosen to draft the blueprint and then the builder will enter into a legal agreement by signing a contract.

According to the African Traditional Secular Model, the architect is the god of this world (John 14:30), and the blueprint is their culture. In this marriage, the couple conforms to their cultural values and follows traditions passed down for generations.  Their house closely resembles all the other houses in their community.  In this marriage, the builder is the husband and his wife is his helper.

The only difference between the Modern Western Secular Marriage and the African Traditional Secular Marriage is that the husband and wife will tend to be more egalitarian in their approach. They too enter the marriage with their own ideas of what the house should look like and how it should be constructed. Both of these models for marriage conform to the values of their cultural context which are influenced by the ruler of this world.

The Contract

In both of these secular models, the legal agreement is a contract between two people that can be broken or nullified at any time—that is, if they are unsatisfied with the way the “house” turns out or if either of them decides to build a better house with someone else.

According to the Biblical Model, God is the Architect. The Christian couple who chooses to build a biblical marriage will diligently follow God’s Word as their blueprint. The husband and wife are the builders—equal partners—in the building process. Rather than entering into a legal contract between two people, they enter into a covenant with each other and God forming a “Triangle of Covenant Relationship” (Diagram #2), which is both a vertical and horizontal relationship.

Derek Prince, in his book The Marriage Covenant, described the relationship as follows:  

“…marriage as it was conceived at creation, is a binding together of three persons: a man, a woman and God.  When God is added to the relationship, it introduces a new dimension. God becomes an integral part of the marriage” (1978, 24).

AUTHORITY IN MARRIAGE

Once the house is ready for occupancy, the couple will have to make an important decision: Who will be “in charge” in their marriage? In other words, who will be given the place of “authority”? They only have two options: the boss will either be “God” or “Self” (Diagram #3).

If the husband and wife place their own interests, desires and needs first, then “Self” will be enthroned as the authority in each of their hearts.  Their marriage will quickly become a battlefield where two selfish people lock horns in a battle of the wills. When the storms of life shake such a marriage, the superficial love that initially brought them together usually dwindles and may die completely.

If they choose to obey Christ’s commandment to love and serve one another (Gal. 5:13-26; Phil. 2:1-5) and give up their right to control the other, they have placed God in the position of authority in the marriage. Marriage cannot be understood apart from our obedience to Christ’s command to do nothing out of selfishness but with humility of mind put another person’s interests ahead of our own.

Jeffrey and Pattiejean Brown in their book, The Total Marriage, in the section entitled “It Takes Two to Submit” describe how authority operates within a biblical marriage:

I believe that when people of the world look at a Christian home they have a right to see something different.  A man and a woman not striving to be the boss.  Instead, they’re striving to outdo one another in love.  Nobody imposes his or her will on the other anymore.  Nobody gives in just for the sake of peace.  They seek God together.  They develop together.  They grow together.  Christian marriage has been defined as a union of loving service to others (1999, 56-58).

POWER STRUCTURE IN MARRIAGE

Finally, the couple will have to determine what their roles and responsibilities will be in the marriage.  This is what we call the power structure. In his video series, Building Families that Last, Dr. Richard Dobbins explained the importance of couples determining their power structure in marriage:

Role conflict and power struggles are some of the most threatening problems facing couples in marriage.  Christians are not immune from the role changes that are taking place in our society today.  Very few couples have the foresight to discuss the power structure of their relationship before they marry.  What role and responsibilities will the husband fulfill in the marriage and family?  And what will the wife’s role and responsibilities include? Mutually determining the power structure of the marriage will eliminate much lost and wasted energy in competing for leadership later on.  The couple needs to agree on the power structure of their relationship, for families that achieve purpose are built on powerful marriages.

Power Structure Models

In Her book, To Have and to Hold, Nancy Van Pelt described five different role models in marriage: Patriarchal, Matriarchal, Co-leadership, Power Struggle, and Supportive Leadership.  Van Pelt used the term Role Patterns, which is what Dobbins referred to as power structure. We will look at three of these models as they apply to the models being discussed in this reading:

Patriarchal. The model of choice for the Traditional African Secular marriage: “Husbands rule and wives obey!” is the motto of this marriage.

In this relationship the husband’s leadership is unquestioned.  His word is law.  He determines all policies and rules for the entire family.  The patriarchal leader may or may not choose to consult with family members, depending upon his degree of authoritarianism (1980, 120).

Power Struggle. This is the popular model for the Modern Western Secular marriage; “Every man for himself!” and “May the best man win!” describe this marriage.

In this pattern both husband and wife compete for the leadership role.  He fights against her when she attempts to make a decision, and she counters with methods of usurping his authority.  The contestants have never clarified their rules, and authority in the family shifts from one partner to the other, depending on who wins the last battle (1980, 120).

Supportive Leadership. The Supportive Leadership Model is what makes the Biblical Model of marriage so unique and different from all the rest and gives marriage the power to withstand the storms of life. The motto for the biblical marriage is “I no longer live for myself, I live for you.”

It is based on the Christian concept of mutual submission as a way of life in all interpersonal relationships.  In a supportive relationship both partners willingly give up absolute power to dictate and control.  Neither demands that his or her way is the only way and insists on unquestioned obedience.  Rather, each shows a readiness to negotiate and adjust differences until common ground is established (1980, 122).

Jeffrey and Pattijean Brown in the section entitled, “It Takes Two to Submit,” also gave their definition of mutual submission, which Paul wrote about in Ephesians 5:21.

This is what it says: ‘Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God’ (Eph. 5:21).  Paul is stressing the idea of mutual submission.  Mutual submission requires that Christians, regardless of status, function, sex, or rank, ‘through love be servants [literally “slaves”] of one another’ (Gal. 5:13).  If a partner is to submit as Christ’s Church is to submit, then the biblical definition of submission is a free response and uncoerced surrender to the self-sacrificing, unconditional love of a compassionate mate and committed spouse. Mutual submission is Christian and it’s a beautiful thing (1999, 56).

BUILDING A HOUSE

A good builder always begins with a solid foundation, followed by the construction of the walls, and then the roof.  In this article we will show how all of these aspects of building a house apply to building a marriage (Diagram #4).

 

Traditional African Secular Model

The Foundation. According to this model, the husband is the foundation making him the most important part of the structure and upon which everything else is built.  The marriage finds its origin, strength and purpose through the husband (Diagram #5).

The Walls. The wife’s place in the marriage can be compared to the walls of the house.  Her role is to hold the family together through serving her husband and children and making their lives comfortable and happy.  Her main purpose is to bear children for her husband (which also includes his clan /extended family)—they are his progeny, or his on-going spirit.  She is to serve him and obey him in every way to establish his happiness and fulfill his purpose in life.

The Roof.  In this model the children are as important to the marriage as the roof is to the house.  This illustrates the importance placed on children in the traditional marriage.  In other words, a house without children would be as foolish or useless as a house without a roof.

Modern Western Secular Model

The Foundation. As illustrated in Diagram #6, according to this model, self-gratification and personal happiness rise to the top of the list of expectations for marriage.  Many people think that getting married will be their answer to personal happiness!  Too often however, within months, if not days, of saying “I do,” the husband and wife become disillusioned with the marriage when their spouse fails to meet all their needs and make them “happy.”  In some marriages children become the foundation when the couple attempts to find their fulfillment and purpose through their children.

The Walls. In this model, the couple’s emphasis on education, career and success are like the walls of a house.  If the marriage is being sustained by these materialistic values, then failure to achieve these goals will put a strain on the relationship.  If getting ahead in this world is their primary objective, such success-driven couples will become disillusioned with marriage when these objectives are not achieved.

The Roof. According to the Modern Western Secular Model of marriage, materialism and entertainment are like the roof, which is the most prominent part of the house.  Couples place a great amount of emphasis on their material possessions and “toys”—houses, cars, computers, clothes, jewelry, etc.  These “things” become symbols of marital success and prosperity.  The entertainment industry has capitalized on the modern-day trend and drive for fun and enjoyment.  Many couples will go into financial debt in order to enjoy superficial and materialistic pleasures, which places an additional strain on an already shaky foundation.

“The winds blew and beat against that house!” (Matt. 7: 27)

What happens to a marriage that is built on sand when it is subjected to the storms and problems of life?  Problems with in-laws and extended families, with children, illness, financial struggles, the death of a loved one, loss of employment, barrenness, couples who have problems with their sexual relationship and sadly, even unfaithfulness, just to name a few? These things ultimately take all the joy and fulfillment out of the marriage that is built upon any foundation other than the principles of God’s Word.  Any other approach to marriage is like building a house upon “sand” and when it falls, it makes a “great crash!” (Diagram #7)

The Biblical Model

The Foundation. The foundation of a Christian marriage is the solid Rock of God’s Word.  Everything a couple needs to know about building a successful biblical marriage is summarized in Genesis 2:24, 25: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall become one flesh.  And the husband and wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”  In his book, Strike the Original Match, Charles Swindoll wrote that this scripture passage establishes the biblical foundation for marriage. He outlined four foundational principles that are necessary for building upon the Rock: leaving (severance); cleaving (permanence); becoming one flesh (unity); being naked and not ashamed (intimacy).

            Foundational Principle of Severance. The first thing God said to the man and woman when he pronounced them man and wife was that the man must “leave” his father and mother, which Swindoll refers to as the foundational principle of severance:

In order for the new relationship between bride and groom to flourish and their home to begin correctly, the cord must be cut with the parents.  This does not mean abandoning our parents or ignoring or mistreating or cutting off all contact with them.  To “leave father and mother” means to break the parent-child bond, to sever the tight, emotionally dependent strings that once provided security, protection, financial assistance, and physical needs.  All or any of those ties, if brought over into a marriage, will hinder the bond of marriage from sealing” (1981, 29).

In his book, I Married You, Walter Trobisch said this about “leaving”:

There can be no marriage without leaving.  The word “leaving” indicates that a public and legal act has to take place in order to make marriage a marriage…If no real leaving takes place, the marriage will be in trouble.  If the young couple have no chance to start their own home, completely separate from their families, the danger is great that the in-laws will interfere continuously (1971, 12-13).

            Foundational Principle of Permanence. The second foundational principle outlined in Genesis 2: 24, 25 is “cleave.”  This word in Hebrew literally means to be “glued together.”  Swindoll calls this the foundational principle of permanence:

In order for a marriage to survive…each couple needs to view the commitment to each other as an irrevocable, permanent bond…Leave and cleave. Sever and bond.  Loosen and secure.  Depart from and attach to.  The Hebrew term translated “cleave” means “to glue, to cling.”  Today’s problem is largely explained by the fact that couples enter marriage believing it is terminable.  “Till death do us part” is, unfortunately, a mere verbal formality to many who utter those words (1981, 30).

Trobisch expanded the meaning of “cleave” to include “love:”

Perhaps we would use another word today in place of “to cleave.”  We would no doubt use the word “to love.”… Cleaving means love, but love of a special kind.  It is love which has made a decision and which is no longer a groping and seeking love.  Love which cleaves is mature love, love which has decided to remain faithful—faithful to one person—and to share with this one person one’s whole life (1971, 16-17).

            Foundational Principle of Unity. Charles Swindol refers to “one flesh” as the foundational principle of unity:

Becoming one flesh suggests a process, not an instant fact.  Two people with different backgrounds, temperaments, habits, scars, feelings, parents, educational pursuits, gifts, and interests don’t immediately leave a wedding ceremony in perfect unity.  It is a lifelong project requiring wisdom, understanding, and knowledge…The whole idea of mutual acceptance, giving, listening, forgiving, belonging, and direction was implied.  It is two individuals willingly blending into each other’s lives, desiring to share with and thereby complete the other… “One Flesh” also has to do with the physical aspect of marriage.  The sexual aspect of marriage is essential to the marriage as much as the leaving and cleaving.  The success of the sexual relationship between husband and wife is directly proportionate to the success of the other areas of intimacy in marriage—emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and social (1981, 31-32).

Trobisch used a wooden carving to illustrate the concept of “one flesh” (Diagram #9):

This expression describes the physical aspect of marriage…The physical union of husband and wife is as dear and as near to God as is their faithfulness and the legality of their marriage…I reached down into my briefcase and brought out a carving of two heads—the one of a man and the other of a woman.  The heads were connected by a chain with wooden links…This is a marriage symbol which the church in Liberia gives to the young couple as a reminder of their marriage vows.  If you came close and inspected it carefully, you would see that this chain has no joint. The whole piece of art is carved out of one piece of wood and conveys the message: “Where God joins, there is no joint” (1971, 17-19).

            Foundational Principle of Intimacy. Genesis 2:25 says, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” Swindoll refers to “naked and not ashamed” as the foundational principle of intimacy:

The Hebrew term translated “naked” suggests the idea “laid bare,” emphasizing totally and completely naked.  When the verse adds that Adam and Eve “were not ashamed,” the idea from the original construction is reciprocal…they had no hidden areas, no hang-ups, no embarrassment, no fears.  There was total transparency, the complete absence of self-consciousness. This gave them unrestrained freedom. Emotionally as well as physically.  Inwardly and outwardly (1991, 33-34).

South African author, Costa Mitchell, in his book, Intimacy in Marriage said this:

God intended intimacy to characterize marriage. The verb “to know” is used in the Bible to describe the sexual consummation of this relationship. Genesis 4:1 “Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived…”Intimacy is not just sexual consummation. It encompasses a totality of knowing that includes understanding how my partner thinks, and sharing the dreams and goals she is pursuing, her values and feelings, what makes her happy or sad, feel loved and valued. Most importantly, intimacy is manifested when I cooperate with my partner, sharing her ambitions and fostering the sense that she is cherished and held in high regard. Sexual union that reflects this emotional and psychological oneness is the true intimacy God designed for marriage (1990, 21, 22).

The Walls. A house is only as strong as the walls that support it.  Swindoll also said, “God says we need only three essential ingredients to restore our marriage and make it flourish again” (1981, 24).  These ingredients are found in Proverbs 24:3, 4 which says: “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.”  Wisdom, understanding and knowledge are the three vital ingredients needed to construct the walls of the “house”. In order to build a strong marriage, we must use these quality materials:

            Knowledge. Couples need to acquire knowledge in order to build their house God’s way.  First, they must seek knowledge of God’s Word which teaches His view of marriage.  In the same way that a builder studies the blueprint for the house he is building, couples need to consult God’s blueprint for marriage.  Only a foolish builder would attempt to build a house without studying the plans thoroughly and referring to them continuously during the process.  Hosea 4:6 says, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.”  How often we attempt to build our marriages without this vital knowledge and then wonder why they are falling apart.  A lack of knowledge can destroy a marriage, but the abundance of knowledge fills the house with precious riches.

Secondly, husbands and wives need practical knowledge, such as understanding the basic differences between men and women for starters. Then we need to understand that every person is a unique creation having different views about every aspect of life. There are also vast differences in communication styles and methods of resolving conflict.  Each person has a unique background and family history which shapes them into how they approach relationships and intimacy.  Having this knowledge is essential when it comes to building a strong marriage.  Dr. Richard Dobbins said husbands and wives need to make their mate the focus of on-going life study and in-depth research. Practical knowledge will enable a husband and wife to truly love each other with God’s unconditional love.

            Understanding. Another vital ingredient in a successful marriage is understanding.  How can we begin to meet another person’s needs when we do not understand them?  Because God created male and female so different, we need to broaden our understanding and begin to see life through the eyes of our spouse.  A strong marriage exists when a husband and wife strive to understand his or her partner’s needs and then make a conscious effort to meet them.

            Wisdom. Another important ingredient in marriage is wisdom.  Swindoll said that wisdom is: “seeing with discernment.  It’s having a broad perspective.  The term stresses accuracy, the ability to sense that which is beneath the surface” (1981, 24).  Wisdom is evident when experience, knowledge and understanding are applied with discretion, practicality and common sense.  The most effective means of gaining wisdom is through acquiring knowledge and understanding of others through communication.  Therefore, a strong marriage is characterized by a couple’s ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflict appropriately and promptly.  A lack of wisdom gained through communication would be like building a house with inferior materials.

The Roof. Instead of the roof representing children or cultural values, it now serves as a testimony of God’s supernatural and unconditional love (agape).  It is the self-sacrificial, servant love that puts the emphasis on serving others rather than oneself.  In a biblical marriage where Christ’s law of love is demonstrated, the roof openly symbolizes a powerful testimony of God’s love.  The demonstration of agape love and godly principles between a husband and a wife is a testimony to the world of who we are as followers of Christ.  John 13:35 says, “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love [agape] for one another.” The primary relationship between a Christian husband and wife is that they are a brother and sister in the Lord.  This places the entire marital relationship on a much higher plane than a secular marriage.

CHILDREN ARE A “BLESSING”

How do children fit into the Biblical Model of marriage?  Genesis 1:28a states, “And God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth…’” Children are given to couples as a blessing and are neither a requirement nor the sole purpose for marriage.  In Diagram #8, we see that children are not part of the “structure,” which includes the foundation, the walls, and the roof.  Rather, they are given to the couple so that they may be nurtured in the wholesome environment of a Christian family.  This is where they will be sheltered and cared for and where they will receive the love and acceptance of godly parents.  This is also where they will receive instruction and training for godly living.

Proverbs 22:6 instructs parents to “train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  A child who is raised with biblical values will become a vessel for service in God’s kingdom and also become a tremendous blessing to the parents and family: “A wise son brings joy to his father” (Prov. 15:20).  Nothing brings greater joy to a parent’s heart than a child who loves God and walks in His ways, but if we disregard the guidelines that God has given to us as parents, we will likely reap a harvest of grief and bitterness instead of joy: “A foolish son brings grief to his father and bitterness to the one who bore him” (Prov. 17:25).

What About the Childless Marriage?

What about couples who are unable to have children?  For a variety of reasons, some people cannot have children; various physical and psychological conditions can affect a couple’s fertility.  God has a purpose for every marriage—regardless of whether they produce children or not.  Christians have been given the promise that, “God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom. 8:28).  Even a childless couple can have a complete, fulfilling marriage—one that brings glory to God by manifesting His agape love.  If we truly believe that God is able to work all things together for good, we must also believe that God can use even barrenness for good.  In a later reading, we will discuss the matter of adoption. Adoption is a viable option available for a childless couple who really desires to have children.

GOD’S COMMAND TO “SUBDUE” AND “RULE”

After God pronounced His blessing upon Adam and Eve, He also gave them a command in Genesis 1:28b.  He told them to “subdue [the earth] and rule over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the sky, and over every living creature that moves upon the earth.”  Together, Adam and Eve received this command which established the perspective that a biblically-based marriage is one that empowers people to make an impact in the world where they live.  When God told Adam and Eve that they were to subdue and rule, He established a biblical model for marriage.  Couples, therefore need to understand that their marriage is not without purpose but that it is established through their relationship with each other and God.  Every couple should serve God in unity and cooperation, loving each other unconditionally—with intensity and passion—and combining their gifts and talents in order to bring glory to God through fulfilling His purpose for their marriage.

IN CONCLUSION

We have examined the differences between the Biblical Model and the two secular models of marriage and have discovered that what makes a marriage biblical has nothing to do with their cultural differences.  What makes the difference is the values system the couple chooses to live by.  The biblical marriage is governed by the law of Agape love and a Christ-like attitude and heart and stands in stark contrast to marriage based upon the world’s values of self-centeredness and personal happiness. We therefore conclude that marriages from  every culture, whether African traditional or modern Western, can be biblical if they follow God’s blueprint for marriage.

God calls His people to a life of servanthood—a life in which people willingly sacrifice for the sake of others.  The essential difference between a biblical and secular marriage is based on the central question: Who has the authority in the marriage?  If God is the ultimate authority in the marriage it will be governed by His law of mutual love and submission (Ephesians 5:21). Therefore, any marriage regardless of the cultural context and background, will be God-honoring and fulfilling for the couple.

Jesus was speaking to Christians in His Sermon on the Mount when he used the parable about building a house. He was warning the believers what would happen it they heard His words and did not act upon them.  Ask yourselves this question: Are we building our marriage upon sand or upon the Rock? The end result will be the same whether the couple is saved or not.

Bibliography:

1. Brown, Jeffrey and Pattiejean, The Total Marriage, Autumn House Publishing, Granthan, England, 1999.
2. Dobbins, Richard, Building Families that Last (Leader’s Guide for video series), Emerge Ministries, Akron, OH.
3. Mitchell, Costa, A Practical Guide to Intimacy in Marriage, Vineyard International Publishing, Cape Town, SA, 1990.
4. Prince, Derek, Marriage is a Covenant, Whitaker House, New Kensington, PA, 1978.
5. Swindoll, Charles, Strike the Original Match, Multnomah Press, Portland, OR, 1981.
6. Trobisch, Walter, I Married You, Harper and Row Publishers, San Francisco, CA, 1971.
7. Van Pelt, Nancy L., To Have and to Hold, Southern Publishing Association, Nashville, TN, 1987.