Vanita says, “We are having fun!”

Judy: I hadn’t heard from Vanita in a few weeks so I thought I would write and see how things have been going at her house. This was her reply:

Hi Judy!

I cannot believe it! I was just thinking about you over the weekend!

Things are going well with my family. We went on our first family holiday about 2 weeks ago. We took a road trip to George which is about 6 or 7 hours casual driving. Kids were super excited and they definitely deserved to be spoilt!

Zoey is opening up to me about the pressures of school, her peers etc. I think because I now listen and give her choices and consequences scenarios instead of telling her what she should do! I’ve also noticed that she takes better care of herself these days – not sure how that fits in here though. She asks me to braid her hair in the evenings before bed and she is taking her vitamins without me telling her to!!

Judy: This is absolutely wonderful!  Isn’t it amazing how Zoey is responding to your “consultant mom” approach, rather than the “militant mom” who ran the house like a drill sergeant.  As Zoey continues to invite you into her life, take these precious opportunities to talk to her and find out who she is on the inside.

Adam, oh my goodness, Adam is thriving! He’s gone from NOT wanting me to take photos of him at all to SHOWING OFF in front of the camera! His behaviour has turned around 180 degrees from a shy boy lacking confidence to a noisy negotiator!!! His speech therapist is very happy with the improvement!

Judy: This is amazing!  Adam is obviously a bright and outgoing little boy. When parents treat their children with respect, they literally blossom. Even the speech therapist is noticing the difference.

For example on Saturday evening around 8 pm Adam asked if he could have a banana. I said I didn’t think it was a good idea because bananas are heavy and it’s gonna hurt his tummy. He said, “PALLEAASSEE Mommy!” I told him he has 2 options, he can either eat the banana and when his tummy aches he must go lie on his bed and cry softly and not come to me or his daddy, OR I can keep the banana for his breakfast in the morning. He chose the latter and we both won! And he always gives me “options”. Yes, my 5 year old uses the word “option”! He hates bathing so the other day he suggested that instead of bathing him that night (because he was tired) I should wash him the next morning (which in our house is a shower in the bath tub, which we do every other night to save) and when he comes from school I can then bath him. I marvel at how his brain works – he’s not arguing about having a bath but giving me another “option”: 2 days = 1 bath and 1 wash which would have happened anyway. It’s like his own “love&logic” system!!  We are having fun!

Regards
Vanita

Judy: It is remarkable how a child will respond when he feels like he has a choice. Adam is catching on quickly to this concept and as a result, you are giving him the opportunity to use his brain to think through his own problems and make wise decisions. Instead of this becoming a battle of wills, you have given him the freedom to choose, which is a character trait he will need when he becomes an adult. 

I am looking forward to hearing more great stories about the amazing transformation taking place at the Meyer house!

Until next time,
Judy

“We’ll see what happens when he expects his pocket money tonight.”

Hi Judy,

Thursday, April 24th

So yesterday went slightly better… Adam’s still not keen to do his daily chore (sweeping the stoep) but I did get him to bath on time. We’ll see what happens when he expects his pocket money tonight.

Judy: If you are having a bit of trouble with Adam doing his chores, I would like to point you to a great 4 minute Youtube on-line with Love and Logic that talks about a great strategy that really works.

How to Get Kids to do Their Chores – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQLu0Ys7wA0
Basically, it talks about the PARENT’S RULES for getting kids to do their chores.

Rule number one: NEVER tell the kid to do the chores RIGHT NOW. Provide a deadline in the future far enough in the future where you will have plenty of time to figure out what you are going to do if he doesn’t do it. Some say, “Do it!” “Do it right now or else!” and have no idea what “or else” is.

Rule number two: NEVER REMIND. If you want your kids to listen, you say something once and then something happens. Then if they say, “I didn’t hear.” We say, “How sad. Maybe you’ll listen better next time. There will always be another time and this is what’s going to happen.” Come up with a consequence and then allow him to make the choice. You stay cool, calm and empathetic when he forgets or doesn’t do his chore. Use lots of empathy and say, “So sad. Too bad you won’t be able to… ( i.e. “stay up an hour later with your sister tonight and watch a movie”… or something else that will make the point). Perhaps Adam would be more agreeable to do what he is required to do if he feels like he has some choices as to when the chore needs to be done (i.e. “Do you want to sweep the stoep before or after dinner?”).

“I finally decided to let Zoey dry her own hair. Now she’s loving it!”

Zoey is flourishing. Yesterday she suggested that she wash her hair! This, coming from a child who STILL hates hair wash days. Now any mother with course-haired girl children will tell you it’s a nightmare! We both normally end up frustrated because I’m pulling and tugging and apparently burning her whole head! Last Thursday I decided to let her blow dry her own hair! I thought that I should empower her instead of doing it for her! Now she’s loving it!

Judy: I believe Zoey is responding so beautifully because you are empowering her and positively affirming her. This proves that when the parent remains calm, pleasant and firm, children will respond and thrive. How wonderful that you are making these changes now before she reaches the difficult teen years.

And me…..? I’m not so stressed in the mornings anymore. I don’t have to run around like hired help and take them breakfast in bed so they can wake up, and when Adam decides he’s too tired to eat cornflakes I have to dress a +30kg (66 pound) child in his sleep!

Judy: This reminds me of another story about a child who wouldn’t get out of bed in time for breakfast. The wise mother simply established the rule that breakfast is served from such-and-such a time and then the kitchen is closed. Anyone who misses breakfast will have to wait until lunch to eat. Once the child experienced a morning feeling hungry (the natural consequence for being late), he made sure he was up and ready for breakfast on time thereafter.

What an absolute blessing to say goodbye to them in the mornings when they leave for school….without thinking to myself, “good riddance”!!!

Tuesday, April 29th

I’m so excited – Adam’s speech therapist is very impressed with his drastic improvement! She says she was worried about his anger but now he has lightened up. She’s been suggesting to me for the past 3 or 4 years to go seek help with parenting Adam as it would help his speech.

#bettertimes#

Regards,
Vanita

Judy: What has probably helped Adam may simply be the result of taking “your” anger out of the equation. If you look at the rules of Love and Logic, Jim Fay says:

Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats.

Rule #2: When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways.
1. In a loving way, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that does not make a problem for others (CD LL #14) or  http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/guiding-children-to-solve-their-own-problems.pdf

2. Children are offered choices with limits (CD LL #15) or  http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/guidelines-for-sharing-control-through-choices.pdf

3. Adults use enforceable statements (CD LL #25) or   http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/using-enforceable-statements.pdf

4. Adults provide delayed/extended consequences (CD LL#22) or    http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/delayed-consequence-parents.pdf

5. The adult’s empathy is “locked in” before consequences are delivered (CD LL #23) or http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/instant-empathetic-response.pdf

I am really looking forward to hearing from you again. Keep up the awesome work. I believe many people will be encouraged and inspired by your story.

Blessings,
Judy

The schedules went out the window and “militant mom” was back!”

Hi Judy,

A 4-day holiday was no good for us. We had my 2 step kids over for the Easter weekend so schedules and Love& Logic went out the window and militant mom was back! I was thinking yesterday that militant mom probably kicks in automatically when I feel I cannot cope.

Judy: Fatigue and stress often trigger old patterns of behavior, so the next time “militant mom” shows up unannounced, just ask the kids to forgive you and tell them you will try harder next time.  You can even ask them to pray for you. I believe they will respect you for that as you model for them how everyone, including Mom, needs to take personal responsibility for their actions.

Anyway we had to start over again yesterday…:-( …and next week is also school holidays, so again, our schedule is going to be disrupted! Oh well, …once the holidays settle then maybe we can have longer lasting results?

Judy: Whenever necessary, sit down as a family and talk about making special schedules for holidays and no-school days and even talk about when your step kids come over because the routines may have to be adjusted. Your step-children will also benefit from being included in this process of what you are implementing in the home with schedules, chores and new house rules, etc and you can also make charts for them. That will make them feel included in the family and make things more consistent.

So yesterday we went back to the beginning. Adam is no longer eager. I suppose the novelty has worn off. But then he started throwing tantrums and the like from Monday, all day yesterday, and today. Not sure what’s going on with him because he never did this before. I’m just ignoring him for now.

Judy: As far as Adam’s unusual tantrums is concerned, you might sit down with him calmly (not in the heat of the moment) and see if you can find out what’s bothering him. Sometimes there are reasons behind the out-of-character behavior. In this case especially, ignoring his tantrums is a good way to discourage them and use your one-liners like “I love you too much to argue.” If they continue and escalate, you could send him to his room for “time out” so that he can get control of himself and then tell him he can join the family when he can act “sweet.” The rule is that as soon as you are “sweet” you can come out—but not immediately. The child needs to remain quiet for at least 5 minutes before he is allowed to come out and join the family and must also be responsible for putting his room back together again if he trashes it in the heat of his anger.

Zoey is doing well, keeping to her schedule as much as possible. I went on an interview yesterday and afterwards took Adam to speech therapy so she had to go to my mom’s after school, which kind of threw her off a bit, but she got back in as close as we could. They were late for school this morning because I overslept and so Zoey suggested I put their lunch in the evening before…proactive I thought!

Judy: It’s interesting that Zoey is offering suggestions for how to make things go smoother. That is very impressive and you can use this as an opportunity to compliment her and let her know how much you appreciate her input. She sounds like the kind of child who really thrives on order and routine. I think you should tap into her ideas whenever possible, which will give her a feeling of worth and usefulness.

I also see this as another opportunity for you to set an example for taking personal responsibility: Whenever you drop the ball (i.e. if you happen to oversleep and the schedule gets thrown out the window, or you lose your temper and revert to “militant mom”, etc.) apologize and let the kids know you are also making yourself accountable and that at times you may even make a mistake.

Nothing more for now. Over and out.

Regards
Vanita Meyer

Judy: I am really proud of you and confident that you are going to make this work. Keep in touch and I will be praying for you. I believe many people will be encouraged by your story and that it is important to realize that success is all about not giving up.

Blessings,
Judy

Vanita and her sister Crystal talking to Judy at the Parenting Seminar on Saturday

This is the e-mail I received on Day #2 from Vanita. I have inserted my comments throughout.

Good morning,

Yesterday was slightly more challenging as we didn’t take into account that Wednesday is church so we need to adapt the schedule to accommodate the fact that we leave home at 6pm!

Judy: This was the same problem I faced when putting the family (and myself) on a schedule. Because of church activities and other weekly responsibilities, I realized I needed a schedule for practically every day of the week. I also had to come up with a plan on “school off days” and “holidays.” You’re on the right track. I believe the Lord will give you wisdom as you sit down and strategically plan out your schedules.

Adam wasn’t happy that he had to bath earlier than what we agreed and I kept on having to explain it – he just didn’t want to “get it”. He’s the type of child that I remind from Sunday morning that it’s Monday the next day and which means school! Zoey, being older was more flexible.

Judy: This would be the perfect opportunity to use the technique, “Neutralizing Arguing” (see Love and Logic Article #26 on your CD). Read the article, “Neutralizing Arguing” with Youtube links by Kerry Stutzman at the end of this post:
Going Brain Dead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwhuW5pN9tQ
One Liners: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FPxOezq4HQ
Energy Drain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkwkGr6P2FI
Empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlaGKM54U4I

Highlights of Day 2
Love&Logic is not easy to apply if you are a quick tempered person like me but I got an opportunity with Zoey.

In the morning I discovered that Zoey “misplaced” her PE togs somewhere and had to therefore wear something else (like she did last week). I then suggested that seeing that its week no.2. and she still hasn’t found it she’s going to have to get others. I further suggested that she start putting her weekly pocket money away to cover the cost of the togs because as we paid for the first set, its only fair that she pays for the 2nd set. She was shocked! Not sure if its because I didn’t scold at her or that I’m saying that SHE should pay for school uniform! Literally 5 minutes later she appeared wearing her PE togs! I think she just didn’t feel like looking for it. My comment was “oh good, I’m so glad you found it”. 🙂 #allroundhappiness#

Judy: This is awesome! You sound like a pro.

The other highlight is that when Zoey’s neighbourhood friends came over to visit I told them that Zoey doesn’t have friends over in the week anymore and she backed me up as it was her suggestion in the meeting!

Judy: Isn’t it amazing how the children take ownership when they feel they’ve had a say in making the policy?

I think the more we get into it, the easier it will become.

Judy: I guarantee it will get easier!

I’m tweaking the schedule to factor in prepping school clothes for the following day as this took up time Wednesday morning as well as on Wednesdays everything moves up by one hour because of church!

My hubby’s concerned that he doesn’t spend time with the kids now that they go to bed early. That’s something we’re going to have to work on as more often than not he only gets home at 9pm!

Its early days yet so hubby’s just “checking us out” for now.

Judy: What time does hubby go to work? If he doesn’t see them at night because they are in bed, does he see them in the morning or does that mean he doesn’t see them at all that day? This is one of the situations where you and your hubby need to sit down and talk about what you are trying to do with the scheduling and see if he would be willing to look at the power points and outlines so he can be on the same page. It is important that he be involved with the programme. He may feel the need to get up earlier in the morning so he can at least see the kids in the morning. Weekends or holidays will be when they have quality time together.

Friday is a public holiday so they will stay up late tonight and see him. What a pity we only had 3 days of our schedule. Next week’s also a short week and then there’s school holidays for one week after that!

I’m thinking perhaps our next meeting should be about a weekend and holiday schedule…..I wonder if I’ll get away with it? Lol 🙂

Judy: Absolutely you can get away with it. You are in charge and as you talk to the kids, tell them we as a family need to “solve this problem.” Ask them for their input. That will give them the sense that you are all in this together. When you invited Zoey into the discussion at your first family meeting, some of the things were her idea (ie with friends on school nights), she took ownership and backed up the policy. This is powerful stuff and you are doing awesome. Maybe you’ll write a book someday and help many other parents find their way.

Vanita Meyer

Neutralizing Arguing

1. Go “Brain Dead”
a. When the child starts arguing and throwing a tantrum, you have to stay in a thinking mode
b. Don’t listen to the things the child will say because it will make it worse
c. That is not the moment to correct disrespectful talking back

2. One-liner repeated over and over
a. If the child starts to argue, simply state “I love you too much to argue.” Or “I know.” Over and over again.
b. If child persists and won’t stop or escalates, just walk away.
c. Stay calm and don’t think about what he is saying.
d. If you try to reason, the child will feel like he has accomplished what he wants and he wins.
e. If you stay calm and repeat like a broken record in a kind and sympathetic voice “I love you too much to argue.” The child will eventually give up.

3. Energy Drain
a. If the child says something that is disrespectful, wait until after the heat of the moment is over and everyone is happy, then go back and talk about the issue of disrespect and the disrespectful words that were said.
b. Say, “When you said…. (ie “I hate you.” Or “You’re stupid!”) that is really not okay. That really drained my energy. What are you going to do to put energy back in me?”
c. You can say, “Here are a few things you can do to put energy back in me. Which would you like to do?” and give them 2 or 3 choices like:
1) Vacuum the lounge
2) Dust the living room
3) Clean the bathroom
4) Scoop up the dog poop in the yard
5) Sweep the garage
d. Then you say, “If you can’t choose something, I’ll choose for you.” And give him 10 seconds to respond. If he doesn’t respond in 10 second, choose something for him.
e. If the child doesn’t do it or forgets, (NEVER REMIND the child) then you say to the child: “This is so sad. Since you didn’t do (whatever the chore was), you didn’t put energy back in me so now you will have to stay home when the family goes to the movie tonight.” (or some other consequence that will make an impression on the child.)

4. The Instant Empathetic Response
Some Benefits of Delivering Love and Logic Consequences with Empathy
a. The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger.
b. The child must “own” his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult.
c. The adult–child relationship is maintained.
d. The child is much less likely to seek revenge.
e. The adult is seen as being able to handle problems without breaking a sweat.
f. The child learns through modeling to use empathy with others.

Vanita Meyer
Parenting Seminar April 12, 2014

I am starting a new Blog Category: Parents Sharing their Stories! Whenever I receive a testimonial from a parent who is trying Love and Logic and seeing it work miracles in their families, I will post them for all to see. We hope to expand this by sharing parents’ ideas with others on how to make simple changes that will impact the family in a positive way.

My first testimonial was received today (Wednesday the 16th) from Vanita Meyers following our Parenting Seminar on Saturday April 12th. About 43 people attended, including pastors, school teachers and Sunday School teachers, and even three Social Workers from Cape Town, and everyone seemed to enjoy their day and walked away excited about trying some new ideas and techniques in their homes. We introduced the parenting philosophy called, “Love and Logic”, which is an approach to raising kids that provides loving support from parents while at the same time expecting kids to be respectful and responsible, a philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D. You can go on-line and learn more about it at http://www.loveandlogic.com

Here is Vanita’s story in her own words:

Hi Judy,

A good time was had by all on Saturday!

I am a recent stay-at-home mom to 12yr old Zoey and 5yr old Adam. It’s been 3 months at home and I still haven’t figured out how to get things running smoothly. I class myself as the militant mom, barking out orders and expecting perfection, shouting and stressed out!

We had our first family meeting on Monday night and decided what would be the reasonable expectations for chores. I was very surprised at what I heard! I typed it all out and said I would let them have a copy when they got home the next afternoon.

The next morning we struggled a bit because we weren’t prepared but at least their beds were made up and they got to school on time!

To my utter surprise when they arrived home from school while I was still talking to a neighbour Adam rushed in (without greeting – but with a sheepish grin). When I went indoors to see what’s going on he was rushing towards me with a broom and started sweeping the stoep! He has 2 daily chores, one of which is to sweep the stoep! Zoey, without even undressing started picking papers up on the garden (weekly chore). Needless to say at 5pm when I called Adam to come bath he DIDN’T protest but tells me “Good!” And when I finished with him Zoey went to shower WITHOUT me telling her to.

We were all in bed at 8.15pm last night and when my hubby came home at 9pm he thought something was wrong because the house was so quiet!

And that was just Day No 1!

I think involving them in planning their schedules made a HUGE difference other than me just telling them what’s going on the schedule. I tried a schedule before when Zoey was about 8, I think! And also they know what is expected of them especially Adam loves telling me what we are supposed to be doing now!

I’m looking forward to the rest of my life!

Thank you so much to you all!
Vanita Meyer