Down through the years, I have heard many women from different African and Western cultures alike, share a similar problem in approaching their husbands about matters that are of great importance to them.  In frustration they lament that whenever they confront their husbands about issues, they either don’t listen to them or they react in a negative way.  The end result, they say, is always the same—the wife gets more frustrated and the husband either gets angry or zones out and nothing changes.  The Esther Principle is a method of approaching communication that has the power to help solve this problem.

First of all ladies, we need to realize that we often unknowingly contribute to the problem.  This is due in part to the lack of understanding of some of the key differences between men and women.  Understanding some of these differences can make a big difference in how we communicate with our husbands.

When God created Adam and Eve, He commanded both of them to “rule the earth and subdue  it” (Gen 1:28). Then He equipped them both with unique power to accomplish His mandate. When Adam was created, he was hardwired for leadership, which is where his power resides. When He formed Eve, God wove into her design the power of influence.  When a husband and wife each exercise their unique power in a loving and godly manner, communication happens and their marriage will be a testimonial of God’s work and presence.

The world today is trying to convince everyone that there is absolutely no difference between the genders.  However, science and biology disagree with that premise. In their book, His Brain, Her Brain, Dr. Walt and Barb Larimore wrote that science clearly shows that the male and female have two distinctly different brains:

• One is built for plans and pacts—the other for nurturing and networking.
• One emphasizes competition—the other compassion and caring.
• One is spatially and results oriented—the other conversation and cooperation centered.
• One gravitates toward projects—the other toward people.

Keeping these differences in mind, we generally observe that women excel in forming and nurturing relationships more so than men. The key to their effectiveness lies in the ability to use their power of influence in a godly way. What is influence? Influence is the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others (Internet: Dictionary.com).

From Eve up until the present day, women have exercised their power of influence whether by intention or by default—whether for good or for ill—for the good of self or others. For example, Eve used her power of influence and look where we are today as a result (Gen. 3:6). Jezebel is another example of how a woman used her power to influence her husband to do evil things which ultimately destroyed Israel (1 Kings 21). Ruth, Deborah, and Sarah, are just a few of the positive examples of how women used their power of influence to change history for God’s divine purposes.

One shining example of a woman using her power of influence for good is Esther, when she used it to turn the tables on an evil plot against her people. According to the Scripture, Esther went from being a peasant Jewish girl who was sold into slavery in a pagan land to becoming the queen of Persia. Not only was she a beautiful woman in appearance, but her inner beauty undoubtedly made her stand out among all the other beautiful maidens competing for the title.

Even in a cultural setting where women were only considered slightly higher in rank than slaves and had no voice and no rights, Esther used her power of influence to turn a catastrophe into a miracle. When the king himself did not even have the power or authority to reverse his own edict, Esther used her power of influence to save the Jews from being slaughtered.

What was her secret? The first thing Esther did was approach God through prayer and fasting and ask Him for wisdom and direction as to what she should do. She humbled herself before God and then waited for His answer. God revealed a plan that involved three important principles—Timing, Manner, and Setting.

The Principle of Timing: Esther did not immediately confront her husband with her concerns or demands. Instead, she waited until the proper time to enter his chamber. Then she planned every step carefully and the entire process took several days to unfold. As a direct result of her timing, Haman was hung on his own gallows which he had prepared for her uncle Mordecai. If she had rushed to take care of the matter too quickly, she would have short-circuited what God was doing behind the scenes to turn the tables on Haman. Esther was patient and waited for God’s green light.

The Principle of Manner: Esther was reverent and respectful in approaching her husband. When she came before the king, she bowed in humility and followed the protocol for entering the king’s chamber. She was keenly aware that for any man or woman who comes to the king to the inner court who is not summoned, there was but one law, that he be put to death; unless the king held out to him the golden scepter so that he may live. Esther had not been summoned to come to the king for thirty days. However, she made the decision to follow through and willingly put her life at risk and said, “…if I perish, I perish” (Esther 4:16).

The Principle of Setting: Esther understood the importance of creating the right setting if she was going to be successful in exposing the evil plot of Haman. The Lord directed her to invite the king and Haman to a series of special meals while He was busy behind the scenes building a case against Haman. Esther ingeniously created a setting that opened the king’s heart to her so she could expose Haman’s evil intentions. Esther never resorted to manipulation, which is an evil use of this power of influence. As a result, God was able to rescue His people from total annihilation.

In conclusion I want to encourage women to think about how they use their power of influence on a daily basis and, especially when approaching their husbands on important matters. We should always pray first and ask God to teach us how to use our influence for His glory and for the good of others. By learning how to use Esther’s Principles of Timing, Manner and Setting, women regardless of their cultural setting can communicate with their husbands in a way that will encourage a more positive response from them. God gave women this powerful gift of influence for a good purpose and He will honor any woman who uses it for His glory.