Hi Judy,

Thursday, April 24th

So yesterday went slightly better… Adam’s still not keen to do his daily chore (sweeping the stoep) but I did get him to bath on time. We’ll see what happens when he expects his pocket money tonight.

Judy: If you are having a bit of trouble with Adam doing his chores, I would like to point you to a great 4 minute Youtube on-line with Love and Logic that talks about a great strategy that really works.

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How to Get Kids to do Their Chores – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQLu0Ys7wA0
Basically, it talks about the PARENT’S RULES for getting kids to do their chores.

Rule number one: NEVER tell the kid to do the chores RIGHT NOW. Provide a deadline in the future far enough in the future where you will have plenty of time to figure out what you are going to do if he doesn’t do it. Some say, “Do it!” “Do it right now or else!” and have no idea what “or else” is.

Rule number two: NEVER REMIND. If you want your kids to listen, you say something once and then something happens. Then if they say, “I didn’t hear.” We say, “How sad. Maybe you’ll listen better next time. There will always be another time and this is what’s going to happen.” Come up with a consequence and then allow him to make the choice. You stay cool, calm and empathetic when he forgets or doesn’t do his chore. Use lots of empathy and say, “So sad. Too bad you won’t be able to… ( i.e. “stay up an hour later with your sister tonight and watch a movie”… or something else that will make the point). Perhaps Adam would be more agreeable to do what he is required to do if he feels like he has some choices as to when the chore needs to be done (i.e. “Do you want to sweep the stoep before or after dinner?”).

Zoey is flourishing. Yesterday she suggested that she wash her hair! This, coming from a child who STILL hates hair wash days. Now any mother with course-haired girl children will tell you it’s a nightmare! We both normally end up frustrated because I’m pulling and tugging and apparently burning her whole head! Last Thursday I decided to let her blow dry her own hair! I thought that I should empower her instead of doing it for her! Now she’s loving it!

Judy: I believe Zoey is responding so beautifully because you are empowering her and positively affirming her. This proves that when the parent remains calm, pleasant and firm, children will respond and thrive. How wonderful that you are making these changes now before she reaches the difficult teen years.

And me…..? I’m not so stressed in the mornings anymore. I don’t have to run around like hired help and take them breakfast in bed so they can wake up, and when Adam decides he’s too tired to eat cornflakes I have to dress a +30kg (66 pound) child in his sleep!

Judy: This reminds me of another story about a child who wouldn’t get out of bed in time for breakfast. The wise mother simply established the rule that breakfast is served from such-and-such a time and then the kitchen is closed. Anyone who misses breakfast will have to wait until lunch to eat. Once the child experienced a morning feeling hungry (the natural consequence for being late), he made sure he was up and ready for breakfast on time thereafter.

What an absolute blessing to say goodbye to them in the mornings when they leave for school….without thinking to myself, “good riddance”!!!

Tuesday, April 29th

I’m so excited – Adam’s speech therapist is very impressed with his drastic improvement! She says she was worried about his anger but now he has lightened up. She’s been suggesting to me for the past 3 or 4 years to go seek help with parenting Adam as it would help his speech.

#bettertimes#

Regards,
Vanita

Judy: What has probably helped Adam may simply be the result of taking “your” anger out of the equation. If you look at the rules of Love and Logic, Jim Fay says:

Rule #1: Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats.

Rule #2: When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways.
1. In a loving way, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that does not make a problem for others (CD LL #14) or  http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/guiding-children-to-solve-their-own-problems.pdf

2. Children are offered choices with limits (CD LL #15) or  http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/guidelines-for-sharing-control-through-choices.pdf

3. Adults use enforceable statements (CD LL #25) or   http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/using-enforceable-statements.pdf

4. Adults provide delayed/extended consequences (CD LL#22) or    http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/delayed-consequence-parents.pdf

5. The adult’s empathy is “locked in” before consequences are delivered (CD LL #23) or http://www.loveandlogic.com/documents/instant-empathetic-response.pdf

I am really looking forward to hearing from you again. Keep up the awesome work. I believe many people will be encouraged and inspired by your story.

Blessings,
Judy