The schedules went out the window and “militant mom” was back!”

Hi Judy,

A 4-day holiday was no good for us. We had my 2 step kids over for the Easter weekend so schedules and Love& Logic went out the window and militant mom was back! I was thinking yesterday that militant mom probably kicks in automatically when I feel I cannot cope.

Judy: Fatigue and stress often trigger old patterns of behavior, so the next time “militant mom” shows up unannounced, just ask the kids to forgive you and tell them you will try harder next time.  You can even ask them to pray for you. I believe they will respect you for that as you model for them how everyone, including Mom, needs to take personal responsibility for their actions.

Anyway we had to start over again yesterday…:-( …and next week is also school holidays, so again, our schedule is going to be disrupted! Oh well, …once the holidays settle then maybe we can have longer lasting results?

Judy: Whenever necessary, sit down as a family and talk about making special schedules for holidays and no-school days and even talk about when your step kids come over because the routines may have to be adjusted. Your step-children will also benefit from being included in this process of what you are implementing in the home with schedules, chores and new house rules, etc and you can also make charts for them. That will make them feel included in the family and make things more consistent.

So yesterday we went back to the beginning. Adam is no longer eager. I suppose the novelty has worn off. But then he started throwing tantrums and the like from Monday, all day yesterday, and today. Not sure what’s going on with him because he never did this before. I’m just ignoring him for now.

Judy: As far as Adam’s unusual tantrums is concerned, you might sit down with him calmly (not in the heat of the moment) and see if you can find out what’s bothering him. Sometimes there are reasons behind the out-of-character behavior. In this case especially, ignoring his tantrums is a good way to discourage them and use your one-liners like “I love you too much to argue.” If they continue and escalate, you could send him to his room for “time out” so that he can get control of himself and then tell him he can join the family when he can act “sweet.” The rule is that as soon as you are “sweet” you can come out—but not immediately. The child needs to remain quiet for at least 5 minutes before he is allowed to come out and join the family and must also be responsible for putting his room back together again if he trashes it in the heat of his anger.

Zoey is doing well, keeping to her schedule as much as possible. I went on an interview yesterday and afterwards took Adam to speech therapy so she had to go to my mom’s after school, which kind of threw her off a bit, but she got back in as close as we could. They were late for school this morning because I overslept and so Zoey suggested I put their lunch in the evening before…proactive I thought!

Judy: It’s interesting that Zoey is offering suggestions for how to make things go smoother. That is very impressive and you can use this as an opportunity to compliment her and let her know how much you appreciate her input. She sounds like the kind of child who really thrives on order and routine. I think you should tap into her ideas whenever possible, which will give her a feeling of worth and usefulness.

I also see this as another opportunity for you to set an example for taking personal responsibility: Whenever you drop the ball (i.e. if you happen to oversleep and the schedule gets thrown out the window, or you lose your temper and revert to “militant mom”, etc.) apologize and let the kids know you are also making yourself accountable and that at times you may even make a mistake.

Nothing more for now. Over and out.

Regards
Vanita Meyer

Judy: I am really proud of you and confident that you are going to make this work. Keep in touch and I will be praying for you. I believe many people will be encouraged by your story and that it is important to realize that success is all about not giving up.

Blessings,
Judy