This is the e-mail I received on Day #2 from Vanita. I have inserted my comments throughout.

Good morning,

Yesterday was slightly more challenging as we didn’t take into account that Wednesday is church so we need to adapt the schedule to accommodate the fact that we leave home at 6pm!

Judy: This was the same problem I faced when putting the family (and myself) on a schedule. Because of church activities and other weekly responsibilities, I realized I needed a schedule for practically every day of the week. I also had to come up with a plan on “school off days” and “holidays.” You’re on the right track. I believe the Lord will give you wisdom as you sit down and strategically plan out your schedules.

Adam wasn’t happy that he had to bath earlier than what we agreed and I kept on having to explain it – he just didn’t want to “get it”. He’s the type of child that I remind from Sunday morning that it’s Monday the next day and which means school! Zoey, being older was more flexible.

Judy: This would be the perfect opportunity to use the technique, “Neutralizing Arguing” (see Love and Logic Article #26 on your CD). Read the article, “Neutralizing Arguing” with Youtube links by Kerry Stutzman at the end of this post:
Going Brain Dead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwhuW5pN9tQ
One Liners: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FPxOezq4HQ
Energy Drain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkwkGr6P2FI
Empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlaGKM54U4I

Highlights of Day 2
Love&Logic is not easy to apply if you are a quick tempered person like me but I got an opportunity with Zoey.

In the morning I discovered that Zoey “misplaced” her PE togs somewhere and had to therefore wear something else (like she did last week). I then suggested that seeing that its week no.2. and she still hasn’t found it she’s going to have to get others. I further suggested that she start putting her weekly pocket money away to cover the cost of the togs because as we paid for the first set, its only fair that she pays for the 2nd set. She was shocked! Not sure if its because I didn’t scold at her or that I’m saying that SHE should pay for school uniform! Literally 5 minutes later she appeared wearing her PE togs! I think she just didn’t feel like looking for it. My comment was “oh good, I’m so glad you found it”. 🙂 #allroundhappiness#

Judy: This is awesome! You sound like a pro.

The other highlight is that when Zoey’s neighbourhood friends came over to visit I told them that Zoey doesn’t have friends over in the week anymore and she backed me up as it was her suggestion in the meeting!

Judy: Isn’t it amazing how the children take ownership when they feel they’ve had a say in making the policy?

I think the more we get into it, the easier it will become.

Judy: I guarantee it will get easier!

I’m tweaking the schedule to factor in prepping school clothes for the following day as this took up time Wednesday morning as well as on Wednesdays everything moves up by one hour because of church!

My hubby’s concerned that he doesn’t spend time with the kids now that they go to bed early. That’s something we’re going to have to work on as more often than not he only gets home at 9pm!

Its early days yet so hubby’s just “checking us out” for now.

Judy: What time does hubby go to work? If he doesn’t see them at night because they are in bed, does he see them in the morning or does that mean he doesn’t see them at all that day? This is one of the situations where you and your hubby need to sit down and talk about what you are trying to do with the scheduling and see if he would be willing to look at the power points and outlines so he can be on the same page. It is important that he be involved with the programme. He may feel the need to get up earlier in the morning so he can at least see the kids in the morning. Weekends or holidays will be when they have quality time together.

Friday is a public holiday so they will stay up late tonight and see him. What a pity we only had 3 days of our schedule. Next week’s also a short week and then there’s school holidays for one week after that!

I’m thinking perhaps our next meeting should be about a weekend and holiday schedule…..I wonder if I’ll get away with it? Lol 🙂

Judy: Absolutely you can get away with it. You are in charge and as you talk to the kids, tell them we as a family need to “solve this problem.” Ask them for their input. That will give them the sense that you are all in this together. When you invited Zoey into the discussion at your first family meeting, some of the things were her idea (ie with friends on school nights), she took ownership and backed up the policy. This is powerful stuff and you are doing awesome. Maybe you’ll write a book someday and help many other parents find their way.

Vanita Meyer

Neutralizing Arguing

1. Go “Brain Dead”
a. When the child starts arguing and throwing a tantrum, you have to stay in a thinking mode
b. Don’t listen to the things the child will say because it will make it worse
c. That is not the moment to correct disrespectful talking back

2. One-liner repeated over and over
a. If the child starts to argue, simply state “I love you too much to argue.” Or “I know.” Over and over again.
b. If child persists and won’t stop or escalates, just walk away.
c. Stay calm and don’t think about what he is saying.
d. If you try to reason, the child will feel like he has accomplished what he wants and he wins.
e. If you stay calm and repeat like a broken record in a kind and sympathetic voice “I love you too much to argue.” The child will eventually give up.

3. Energy Drain
a. If the child says something that is disrespectful, wait until after the heat of the moment is over and everyone is happy, then go back and talk about the issue of disrespect and the disrespectful words that were said.
b. Say, “When you said…. (ie “I hate you.” Or “You’re stupid!”) that is really not okay. That really drained my energy. What are you going to do to put energy back in me?”
c. You can say, “Here are a few things you can do to put energy back in me. Which would you like to do?” and give them 2 or 3 choices like:
1) Vacuum the lounge
2) Dust the living room
3) Clean the bathroom
4) Scoop up the dog poop in the yard
5) Sweep the garage
d. Then you say, “If you can’t choose something, I’ll choose for you.” And give him 10 seconds to respond. If he doesn’t respond in 10 second, choose something for him.
e. If the child doesn’t do it or forgets, (NEVER REMIND the child) then you say to the child: “This is so sad. Since you didn’t do (whatever the chore was), you didn’t put energy back in me so now you will have to stay home when the family goes to the movie tonight.” (or some other consequence that will make an impression on the child.)

4. The Instant Empathetic Response
Some Benefits of Delivering Love and Logic Consequences with Empathy
a. The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger.
b. The child must “own” his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult.
c. The adult–child relationship is maintained.
d. The child is much less likely to seek revenge.
e. The adult is seen as being able to handle problems without breaking a sweat.
f. The child learns through modeling to use empathy with others.